So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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