I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
