That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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