After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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