I wish I could teleport
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
