oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
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