In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just found puke in my bra..
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
