I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
