Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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