soooo we both peed the bed last night...
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
