don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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