my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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