Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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