around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
