i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
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Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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