He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
