The maid of honor just puked.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
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