i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
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I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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