"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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