Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
