3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
