i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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