i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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