and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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