i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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