My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
