This is not my ceiling
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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