i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
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An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
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You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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