It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
