In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Randomize
