a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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