the condom got lost in my hair
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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