his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
