im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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