guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
