I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
