yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
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