My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
