i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
