she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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