Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
whose parrot is this?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
