dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
