It's a beautiful day for a hangover
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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