Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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