You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
