I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
