Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
