So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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