I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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