I wish I could punch you in the face.
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
