I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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