What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
