omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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