AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
